she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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