just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
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