If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
