So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
