There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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