you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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