So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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