I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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