Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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