If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
