Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
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I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
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I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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