apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Randomize
