tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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