Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
