My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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