Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
