Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
