i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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