I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
