margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
