The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
