If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Randomize
