the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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