she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
