420 ftw
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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