i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
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Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
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Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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