Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
