I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
