note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
