I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
There's even glitter on my cock...
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