I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
