i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize
