I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I wear drunk well.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize