My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
