He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
