apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
