forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize