hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
