i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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