I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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