I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
