Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
