I wish I could teleport
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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