The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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