Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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