HIV tests are more positive than that guy
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
