I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
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when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
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I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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