He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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