He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
