i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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