Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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