I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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