hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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