New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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