wake up i wanna do it froggy style
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
