Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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