good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
