First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
