I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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