By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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