Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
thus making me awesome and them whores
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
