Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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