I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize