Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
