He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
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You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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