I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
