Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
